When Your Body Betrays You

In the summer of 2011, I worked as a Personal Training Instructor (I taught others to be a personal trainer) and as I was prepping for the day's lab work of ladder drills, I heard an extremely loud POP. Startled, I turned to look around and see where the noise had come from. Not seeing anything out of place, I turned to take a step and then the realization that the sound came from me slowly crept into my mind and I felt the strangest sensation in my foot. In a panic, I hopped on one foot to find my boss and tell him that something was wrong. I slumped on the floor and started to rock back and forth waiting anxiously for the pain to kick in. As the minutes wore on, the pain never came. This made me think that maybe the injury wasn't that bad. Boy was I wrong.

My boss drove me to urgent care, and they let me know that I likely ruptured my Achilles Tendon. I was immediately taken to an orthopedic doctor and he confirmed that I had indeed torn my Achilles. And not just a tear. A complete rupture. In fact, you could see that it had started to roll up my calf. And that is why I felt no pain. The nerve endings had been severed. I was scheduled for surgery early the next morning.

The recovery was long. (The pain finally came after surgery). 2 weeks in a cast non weight bearing with crutches, then multiple weeks in a boot and physical therapy. I basically had to learn how to walk again. The first time I saw my calf out of the cast, it was significantly smaller than the non injured leg. The atrophy was astonishing. But I worked hard and once I was finally released from both my Orthopedic doctor and Physical Therapist, it was determined that I would never get the full range of my ankle back. There was just too much scar tissue.

Part of me was actually ok with this fact. I was just happy to be able to walk without a limp. But part of me was understandably frustrated with myself. During my recovery, I had started swimming as a way to stay fit. Prior to “the incident” I mostly just lifted weights and would occasionally run a mile on the treadmill. It was during this period that I had decided that I was going to come back even stronger than before the injury and got it in my mind that I - a strength and power athlete- was going to tackle Triathlons.

It was not easy. I am not built for endurance. I was created to pick up heavy things and put them down. Not swim, cycle and run until death takes me. Which is what it felt like when I completed my one and only triathlon. Having done what I said I would do, I tabled the whole triathlon era.

Connections found and lost, and found again

Years later, I found yoga. I had done yoga in the past. In fact, I was pretty consistent with a weekly practice as part of active recovery between workouts. But after the birth of my second child, I found Yoga to be the most helpful in adjusting to my post natal body. One of the things that I struggled with however, was that I just couldn’t really get comfortably into the yogi squat. The limited range of motion that I had from my ankle, proved to be a hindrance in me achieving the pose in the way I wanted it to be. As I continued to grow in my practice off of the mat, I accepted this limitation without it meaning anything about me as a yogi and allowed myself to rely on a block to help me access the pose easily.

My asana practice continued, and then one day, I was guiding my students into the Malasana squat and offering the block as a prop when I noticed that at that moment, I didn't need it! I had detached myself from the outcome of being able to yogi squat without a block, but I continued to work on the things that I can. Over time, the pose came to me without me seeking it out. Now, is my Malasana squat Instagram perfect? No. Can I pop into whenever I want without having warmed up my ankles and hips? Sometimes.

In the Yamas and Niyams, the fifth Yama is Aparigraha or Non Attachment, and the final Niyams is Isvara Pranidhana or surrender. Approaching my physical practice with the nonattachment of my ideal Malasana squat, and surrendering my ego with the use of a block, I was able to open the doorway for the limits I placed on myself to exit, as the possibilities entered.

Things to ponder:

Where in your life are you limiting yourself?

What are you fighting to force into being?

What would happen if you simply accept where you currently are, and just keep doing what you can?